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The Arts
06.10.09

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Phaedra

Howlin'

More testimony on the magical power of the Three Wolf Moon shirt

By Cassandra Landry


Ladies, this shirt is not just for the fellas. Sure, the Three Wolf Moon shirt may make it impossible for us to stay away from an alpha male who has donned this beauty, a wiry mass of irresistibly man-hair peeking out from behind its inky fabric, the three balletically graceful creatures of the night stretched over his strapping beer gut, howling at a bright moon that makes his three-day beard almost invisible. But sisters, this is a woman's world! Don't let the dudes hog all the magic that this drool-worthy piece of high fashion brings.

When I saw my snaggle-toothed neighbor Noreen sporting the trio, wooing the mailman in her favorite see-through sweatpants, I almost dropped my Bud Light in amazement. Lighting another Pall Mall, I wondered if they had sizes for those expecting! My unborn fetus kicked in excitement.

I borrowed some money from my new boyfriend and ordered one, rush shipping of course. When it arrived in my PO box a day later (I could barely sleep on my pullout couch that night), I caught the mailman who had been flirting with Noreen trying to steal it. I promptly taught him a thing or two about jackin' a woman's Three Wolf Moon shirt. After a swift kick to his manly parts (I could already feel the power of the wolf trio), I immediately stripped off my Daddy's Little Princess shirt and threw it on. I climbed back into my Pinto and put in my favorite Nickelback CD to celebrate.

I wore this shirt every day of my pregnancy—even in labor!—and my baby was born in 12 minutes. After the delivery, my new baby boy thanked the doc and invited him over for a round of poker. He's now Mensa's youngest member ever, and made Steve Jobs cry at the latest Apple conference.

I'm here to testify, this shirt was not just made for a man. The three wolves arching in ecstasy toward the moon are symbols of the sisterhood, are they not? Since that first day I stretched the shirt over my belly, I knew I was destined for big things. I was promoted to head checker at Wal-Mart while still on maternity leave, and have had five shotgun marriages successfully annulled. This shirt will change your life!


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